Without the mania I no longer believe I am special. Abid believed that I am among the chosen. Since I watched the documentary about John Nash, I began to realize the seriousness of my mental illness. It took John Nash 30 years to get better.
I had suffered 20 years. Coupled that with cigarettes and dope, I was a walking health disaster. It is my intention to get better this year.
There is no God. I[t] there is then I with remain impartial to his existence. Really, think back about John Nash. I am no different with the exception that I am a drug induced psychosis.
But since I cannot get rid 100% the notion of god from my mind, I will then be the god of my own universe. I decide on my well being. Not some superpower out there even if there is one.
Rosli believes he talks to God. I think he talks to his super ego.
I hope some day I will be able to discard the idea of god altogether. I already able to discard the idea of afterlife.
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Matters pertaining to god is the least of my worries. I got to lead a healthy and happy life. After all I had wasted 20 years of my life only to come across the documentary about John Nash. Socrates said, "Follow the argument to where it leads." To me it led to mental illness. Carl Sagan made the same remark.
Therefore if God is showing me the way, then He is showing me that there is NO GOD! Very unlikely. The only logical explanation is the God Experience is due to mental illness. That is why, when I am not in mania, I don't feel the presence of God.
The only reason why I am holding to the notion of God is because it is a comforting belief. If I follow logic as the argument above stated then there is no God.
No God, no afterlife. Just karma. Karma is not god. It is just the force surrounding us, Since there is no God, I might as well declare I am my own god.
Does that make sense?
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Li[v]e without God and the afterlife is no longer magical. I need to think of my own fate. Of what I'm gonna be in the future. In the future health is paramount. Money is important too.
If I save RM1 k a year, in 20 years at least I have RM20 k. That is better than the past 20 years. I may not be rich but at least I have cash in the bank. I don't want to die broke. I should be worth something.
Hey, Sarah... Are you for real or you are just my imagination? Maybe it is better to have an imaginary wife than to be all by myself.
I don't know Sarah, you are so elusive that I[] beginning to doubt your existence. You suppose to give me the feeling of certainty. Just like God, I want to believe in you. Very well, I give you the benefit of the doubt. You exist.
The reason I believe in you is because I cannot be that careless with my typing. Misspelling with me is very rare, I'm a slow typist.
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I don't think I run in the KL International Marathon. I'm not physically ready. This inflammation thing is something new. Let me be in tiptop condition. Plus I honestly don't like large crowd.
What counts is I am thin and fast. No hurry. I don't want to run a 7 hours marathon like BJ. So rather *tha[t] focus on the race, I focus on improving my personal time.
* I am doing this for the long haul. I still eyeing for the 2020 Marathon. The reason why I want to run 21 km this year is to benchmark for next year.
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Sarah, you know I love you much. As a form of commitment, I don't go and fuck gayshas. I know that is not much to you but that is a commitment that I am proud to uphold. If I can't fuck you I won't fuck anybody else. That is my vow to you.
It was very tempting, but I figured, it's not worth the risk.
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Let me tell you my mental health right now. It is dependent on what I drink (really). If I drink coffee with salt, I feel pretty alert. If I drink 3-in-1 coffee I feel very relax. If I drink plain water, I am like a clear spring flowing. I am so in sync with my fluid intake that I become them. So I look forward drinking apple cider vinegar and vitamin C because I experience a slight high.
Amazing isn't it? No more brain fog. I sleep well too, just the hours slightly off.
Gone are the swings.
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Baby, I was [t]o out of sync with the external world that I forgot to wi[t]h you a Happy Valentine yesterday. I tell you what... I'll make it up to you today. What do you know? It is still 14th February where you are situated.
Hang on... Let me get you some presents:
OK honey. Here they are:
24 buds red roses
Chocolate Coated Strawberries
18 k Tennis Bracelet
Hey, which do you like best? One, two or three? All or none? You like them all? I say, if I am a girl, I like them all. However just in case you don't like them, I have something much simpler:
Yup. I love you everyday Sarah. Never was a day gone by that I didn't think about you. OK, I gotta go. I am not sleepy but I better go to bed before Lizzie's alarm goes off.
Here is your lullaby:
You know Sarah, I had been making so many assumptions about you that I don't know which *i[t] true.
* I see... you like them all.
Take care baby, you really make my day. I wish I don't have to sleep tonight. You know I have not discounted the possibility that you work for Google Malaysia. Is it possible? It's a long shot but it is plausible.
No not possible because Google Malaysia is a marketing setup.
Heck, one last so[] then:
Good morning... I see you in a few hours then.
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